Why is it that when something finally starts to go right the world turns it around and and makes it smack me in the face??

I love to watch as your face blurs into ten million expressions of pleasure all at the same time. When the room we are in has heated up to past boiling point and fresh air is a distant memory for us. The only thing in this room that I breath is you and I know your inhaling me. Sweat slicked skin molds us together and sticks us there.

I like it when you bury a firework deep within my stomach, light it and wait for it to go off. And it does! With pretty lights and colours and so much heat I almost pass out. I don't though. I stay and I watch your sparks, watch them flash before my eyes, almost blinding. 

And after, when you've gone and I'm once again alone, I close my eyes and replay your lights in my head and hope to see you again soon.

I've sluggishly tramped through my life the past few weeks wondering where I'm going and what I'm going to do. My mind has whirled and I often feel like I'm on one of the tea cup rides I used to enjoy as a small child. I used to love watching as the world blurred into a mass of colours, so mixed up that I couldn't pick one from the other. Now I wish I could make out the colours, figure out which ones are real and which ones are merely in my head. 

As I dance through the emotions of growing up I wonder if I had made one little change in the past. Made one choice different. Would I still be sat here now, holding onto my head and hoping the world would pause and allow me to see it? 

Sometimes I wonder if the insomnia I feel is caused by my very own mind. A mind that's full to the brim of useless thoughts and facts that nobody cares about. Not even I care about them. 

I could tell you why I sit here let the tears fall and the pain overtake me... but I won't. I won't ever tell... so don't ever ask.

And if one day I snap out of this mental hole I have dug myself into, don't be surprised if I turn right around and jump back in. My little hole may be empty and dark and unusual but at least it's safe... at least it's me! 

The Rain

"Today's weather looks bleak..."
I hit the power button.
The telly plunges into black
And the rain knocks on the window.

I grab my coat but no umbrella
Follow my feet to the park
Walk by the trees and watch the river ripple
The mud covers my shoes.

I stare at the overcast sky
As my hair plasters my skin.
The heavenly water washed my sins
As I follow my feet back home.

I hate feeling like this
When the dull ache overtakes
paining my insides
Till my eyes well over with tears.

Sitting alone in a darkened room
with tactless thoughts
that never know when it's a bad time
and rear their ugly head.

Feeling shut out from the world
and more alone
than I have ever felt in my life,
than I ever want to feel again.

Muffling my screams with a pillow
that's soaked with my tears
that I've used for this before.
I can't feel anything anymore.

Times chance

If time gave in
Would you do it all again?
Would you stand up tall?
or continue to bow and crawl?
Would you take that chance on something
Even though it turned into nothing?
Would you seize that opportunity;
that before you'd let pass by?
Would you miss out that love;
that when finished had made you cry?
Could you say if you had the chance
You wouldn't change a thing
Could you say if you had the chance
You'd still let it sting.

I Remember...

I remember the time my room smelt of roses
I was six and summer had bloomed
I'd picked the white ones out the garden
Filled a vase and wanted more.

I remember the time my room smelt of smoke
I was fourteen and angry at them
I wanted to rebel and show them what's what
I smoked a whole pack and went out for more.

I remember the time my room smelt of blood
I was sixteen and had discovered a new release
I sat on the floor and cut pretty patterns
I'd cut a lot yet I still wanted more

I remember the time my room smelt of sex
I was seventeen and apparently convenient
He used me time and time again
But I always relented and went back for more.

I remember the time my room smelt of roses
I remember how I watched them rot. 

Falling

Fall through suffocating masses
of endless deceased dreams
Linger with the stong ones
Grasp onto them tight
and watch as your skinny knuckles turn white
use it as a parachute
as you freefall into the blackness.
The bottoms far away
years and years away
Weakness will overtake you first
Cause you to bend into frail.
But you're not there yet.
Scary times are ahead of you
But don't close your eyes
Don't ever close your eyes
Not when you're crying or wasting away
Watch! Even when you marring
that youthful pale skin you used to love.
Evolve infra-red lights for your darkest times.
They'll be well used and battered.
Scream out as you fall
Though no one will hear your plea
The falling cannot help the fallen
Listen to your words
No matter how you speak them
Listen to your words
They'll echo through your downfall.

Subconcious Death

Twisted thoughts inside my head
A creepy smile upon my face
Blue eyes twinkle with madness embedded
Warped reality plays like film
Watching horror; feels like comedy
Silent screams violently echo
Hands over ears do no good
Sneeze in virtue
Cough out hope
Colourful dreams are weeped and blurred
Hosted by unconscious dread
Of the batterd fatalistic dead.

Passion's Void

Swallow down the bitterness of desire
As familiar flesh slides
beneath your calloused fingertips
Moisture clings to your lips
lips that are as sweet as honey
and let out ragged, harboured breaths.
Tongues meet and dance
Too our hearts two step rhythm,
Follow the sound into the abyss
and take me there with you.

Shallow moans and pleading whimpers
Vibrate through tension filled air
As you push apart my tembling thighs
To taste the sweet elixir there.
Passion glazed eyes fall shut
As stars explode before them
Hold on to me tight
The cliff is so high
But we'll sail over the edge
And soar together into the void.