You can cut me but I'll never bleed for you!

blind_panic @ 2008-03-04T15:22:00

2008-03-04T15:23:25Z

Why is it that when something finally starts to go right the world turns it around and and makes it smack me in the face??

blind_panic @ 2006-07-12T22:07:00

2006-07-12T21:14:27Z

I love to watch as your face blurs into ten million expressions of pleasure all at the same time. When the room we are in has heated up to past boiling point and fresh air is a distant memory for us. The only thing in this room that I breath is you and I know your inhaling me. Sweat slicked skin molds us together and sticks us there.

I like it when you bury a firework deep within my stomach, light it and wait for it to go off. And it does! With pretty lights and colours and so much heat I almost pass out. I don't though. I stay and I watch your sparks, watch them flash before my eyes, almost blinding.

And after, when you've gone and I'm once again alone, I close my eyes and replay your lights in my head and hope to see you again soon.

blind_panic @ 2006-07-12T21:28:00

2006-07-12T21:06:22Z

I've sluggishly tramped through my life the past few weeks wondering where I'm going and what I'm going to do. My mind has whirled and I often feel like I'm on one of the tea cup rides I used to enjoy as a small child. I used to love watching as the world blurred into a mass of colours, so mixed up that I couldn't pick one from the other. Now I wish I could make out the colours, figure out which ones are real and which ones are merely in my head.

As I dance through the emotions of growing up I wonder if I had made one little change in the past. Made one choice different. Would I still be sat here now, holding onto my head and hoping the world would pause and allow me to see it?

Sometimes I wonder if the insomnia I feel is caused by my very own mind. A mind that's full to the brim of useless thoughts and facts that nobody cares about. Not even I care about them.

I could tell you why I sit here let the tears fall and the pain overtake me... but I won't. I won't ever tell... so don't ever ask.

And if one day I snap out of this mental hole I have dug myself into, don't be surprised if I turn right around and jump back in. My little hole may be empty and dark and unusual but at least it's safe... at least it's me!

blind_panic @ 2006-07-10T20:17:00

2006-07-10T19:20:28Z

The Rain

"Today's weather looks bleak..."
I hit the power button.
The telly plunges into black
And the rain knocks on the window.

I grab my coat but no umbrella
Follow my feet to the park
Walk by the trees and watch the river ripple
The mud covers my shoes.

I stare at the overcast sky
As my hair plasters my skin.
The heavenly water washed my sins
As I follow my feet back home.

blind_panic @ 2006-07-04T17:26:00

2006-07-04T16:36:51Z

I hate feeling like this
When the dull ache overtakes
paining my insides
Till my eyes well over with tears.

Sitting alone in a darkened room
with tactless thoughts
that never know when it's a bad time
and rear their ugly head.

Feeling shut out from the world
and more alone
than I have ever felt in my life,
than I ever want to feel again.

Muffling my screams with a pillow
that's soaked with my tears
that I've used for this before.
I can't feel anything anymore.

blind_panic @ 2006-06-27T19:31:00

2006-06-27T18:35:50Z

Times chance

If time gave in
Would you do it all again?
Would you stand up tall?
or continue to bow and crawl?
Would you take that chance on something
Even though it turned into nothing?
Would you seize that opportunity;
that before you'd let pass by?
Would you miss out that love;
that when finished had made you cry?
Could you say if you had the chance
You wouldn't change a thing
Could you say if you had the chance
You'd still let it sting.

blind_panic @ 2006-06-22T22:55:00

2006-06-22T22:01:48Z

I Remember...

I remember the time my room smelt of roses
I was six and summer had bloomed
I'd picked the white ones out the garden
Filled a vase and wanted more.

I remember the time my room smelt of smoke
I was fourteen and angry at them
I wanted to rebel and show them what's what
I smoked a whole pack and went out for more.

I remember the time my room smelt of blood
I was sixteen and had discovered a new release
I sat on the floor and cut pretty patterns
I'd cut a lot yet I still wanted more

I remember the time my room smelt of sex
I was seventeen and apparently convenient
He used me time and time again
But I always relented and went back for more.

I remember the time my room smelt of roses
I remember how I watched them rot.

blind_panic @ 2006-06-21T19:30:00

2006-06-21T18:36:43Z

Falling

Fall through suffocating masses
of endless deceased dreams
Linger with the stong ones
Grasp onto them tight
and watch as your skinny knuckles turn white
use it as a parachute
as you freefall into the blackness.
The bottoms far away
years and years away
Weakness will overtake you first
Cause you to bend into frail.
But you're not there yet.
Scary times are ahead of you
But don't close your eyes
Don't ever close your eyes
Not when you're crying or wasting away
Watch! Even when you marring
that youthful pale skin you used to love.
Evolve infra-red lights for your darkest times.
They'll be well used and battered.
Scream out as you fall
Though no one will hear your plea
The falling cannot help the fallen
Listen to your words
No matter how you speak them
Listen to your words
They'll echo through your downfall.

blind_panic @ 2006-06-21T19:24:00

2006-06-21T18:29:14Z

Subconcious Death

Twisted thoughts inside my head
A creepy smile upon my face
Blue eyes twinkle with madness embedded
Warped reality plays like film
Watching horror; feels like comedy
Silent screams violently echo
Hands over ears do no good
Sneeze in virtue
Cough out hope
Colourful dreams are weeped and blurred
Hosted by unconscious dread
Of the batterd fatalistic dead.

blind_panic @ 2006-06-09T13:33:00

2006-06-09T12:41:43Z

Passion's Void

Swallow down the bitterness of desire
As familiar flesh slides
beneath your calloused fingertips
Moisture clings to your lips
lips that are as sweet as honey
and let out ragged, harboured breaths.
Tongues meet and dance
Too our hearts two step rhythm,
Follow the sound into the abyss
and take me there with you.

Shallow moans and pleading whimpers
Vibrate through tension filled air
As you push apart my tembling thighs
To taste the sweet elixir there.
Passion glazed eyes fall shut
As stars explode before them
Hold on to me tight
The cliff is so high
But we'll sail over the edge
And soar together into the void.

blind_panic @ 2006-06-03T14:28:00

2006-06-03T13:44:50Z

The words I say are meaningless, for it's like I talk in tongues when he is around. He makes my mind whirl, mixing up every phrase and thought that happens to flutter through my head at that moment. And every fucking random thought that I could possibly have does run through it, leaving me so mixed up that if asked, I probably wouldn't even be able to tell you my own name.

But I know that my dreams and my desires are just worthless images vividly playing in front of my eyes. Fantasies so real that I can almost feel his touch ghosting over my flesh, boiling my skin. I can almost feel his breath on my cheek as he breathes me in.

I can't remember when this happened. I can't remember the moment he fucked up my life, because that's what he's done. He has unintentionally gripped my sordid heart and now holds it in his hands. However, his grip is to tight and the pain he causes is searing and unbearable. I try to tell him to loosen up but the fuckin' words get caught in my throat and the most I can do is make random strangled noises. He's killing me and he has no idea who the hell I am.

His power over me is phenomenal and I would bow down to his wishes. The most fucked up thing is, if he asked me to, I'd change for him. Colour my hair, listen to different music, wear different clothes. I fucking hate him for that. I fucking hate that he has the power to falsify me. The power to beat me down into submission. The power to make me break my own silent vow.

I know I'd kill for him and that thought scares me more than I care to admit. And the stupid thing is, he'd never look twice at me and my fucked up, useless life. He never goes for messed up, shit-faced girls like me.

It hurts to know my love's wasted.

It hurts to be me...

blind_panic @ 2006-06-01T10:25:00

2006-06-01T09:37:16Z

Sliding fingers over sweat slicked familiar skin
Hearing moans as common as hello.

I knew the moment I opened the door
And you looked at me with those whiskey brown eyes
That I'd no chance of surviving
I'd let go, I'd give in.

Feeling breath caress pale white skin
Tickle a flushed red cheek.

It was only a matter of time
I knew you'd come back, but I promised myself
I promised myself I'd say no
Told myself I'd be strong, be brave.

Heats pours off goose-bumped flesh
Radiates from one body to another

I remember your smile
How it could light up the darkest of rooms
And produced two tiny dimples
And a set of perfect white teeth.

Uneven breaths fill the room
Breathing too loud, too ragged.

Why did you return to me?
I didn't need you, didn't want you
Nevertheless, I saw you and was overcome
By judgment behind a vail of lust.

A whimper caught in a searing kiss
Dies on tangling tongues

After you leave I pull out the phone
Call a friend and hope she's home
I can't go through this again
Can't hope for what will never be mine.

A silent promise in the air
No more meaning than a spoken word.

blind_panic @ 2006-06-01T10:13:00

2006-06-01T09:23:53Z

How many times...?

How many times has this happened now?
How many times have you destroyed my life?
With words meant for anothers ears
And unkept, unfulfilled promises.
I'd listen to you shout, scream and beg
And I'd crumble, give in
Let you back into my bed, my head.

How many times has this happened now?
How many times have you broken my trust?
Drunkenly stumbled to anothers bed
Gave away caresses meant for me
Slid your hand along foreign skin
And moaned some other fuckers name
Then crawled back to me with no shame.

How many times has this happened now?
How many times have you lied through your teeth?
"I'm meeting the lads" ("I'm meeting a girl")
Drowned your sorrows in a bottle of whiskey
"I'm sorry, I'll never drink again, I promise"
And I still search your words, hoping for truth
Even though I know I'll be searching forever.

How many times has this happened now?
How many times have I cried over you?
Sat alone at two in the morning
With an empty wine bottle and a packet of fags
Praying for your presence but hoping it's unanswered
Telling myself I could do better, you're a fuck up
But knowing in my heart, I could never let you go.

blind_panic @ 2006-05-30T15:59:00

2006-05-30T15:07:58Z

Unwanted Need

Tell me to hold back my floods of tears
Tell me he's not worth it
I did not love him... I know that
But for a few hours he took it away
Took away the anguish,
the self-loathing.
There were no empty words
There were no words at all
Just his touch and my badly sewn scars.

He held out of need; not out of want
But it was enough for me
Enough for now
Even though my heart and my head
knew it wouldn't be enough forever.
It was rough, unpleasant and occasionally foul
The taste of his lips
The smell of his skin
But I was an addict and he was my drug.

I concealed myself within him
Kept our hours together secret
Held out my hand
asked him to follow
And he did without a backwards glance
He drove everything away
His thighs whispered unspoken words
Made me whole
Made me dirty.

I needed something... anything
Needed to feel alive
Laughter was a distant memory
Replaced by his pleasantry sighs
His teasing caresses
Closed off my over used mind
So tell me, dear friend
If I should not cry,
For losing what made me survive.

blind_panic @ 2006-05-27T18:34:00

2006-05-27T17:39:23Z

They Lead... I follow

Fucking bowing to a conformed life
Is what makes me fall inside
The oppression of being alive
but never truly living
Just acting out a scripted lie.

Living stories in my fucked up head
That lead me far away
From the shit of my shackled arms
And stops my mind from breaking down
and surrendering itself to them.

They click their fingers, tap their feet
tut with an exaggerated sigh
roll their eyes and get annoyed
as you crumble to the floor
They offer no hand but demand for more.

blind_panic @ 2006-05-26T14:05:00

2006-05-26T13:12:58Z

Chosen

It's at times like these, when my blood is staining the cream coloured carpet, that I wonder why I even bother to wake up in the mornings. Why bother opening my eyes to the same old emotions that plague me every single day? Why bother living a monotonous, unfulfilled life?

Time comes and goes but only changes my meaningless physicality's. Things that do not matter.

What do I wake up for? To stare in the mirror at a lonely person with barren blue eyes and no destiny to fulfill. A fatalistic person, with no power over herself and her actions.

Fate does not love me, nor need me, nor use me. Once, just once, I'd love to take hold of fate's outstretched, wrinkled hand and know in my heart that for just once I am needed and not worthless, brave and not fearless, powerful and not controlled.

So everyday I wake and stupidly hope that today is the day I am chosen.

blind_panic @ 2006-05-26T13:16:00

2006-05-26T12:21:42Z

Stuck on Me
Faded coloured bedsheets
Stained with your toxin
Stuck to my pale skin
Stuck inside my throat
Frantically I scrub away
To absolutely no avail
Thick smells hold still
Cuffed tightly to my body
Shackled to my tongue
The taste is pitifully foul
And mixes with my breath
I hate the you in me
But I can't get you off
I've sucked you in
Can't breathe you out
You're condemning me to death

blind_panic @ 2006-05-24T18:50:00

2006-05-24T17:55:47Z

Left Alone in Darkness

I sit and I laugh with misery at my side
Taking pleasure out of the misfortune
of those that wake up and smile.
Together we laugh as the sands of time
wither away. Until nothing is left,
But misery and me.

I sit and I laugh with fear at my side
At the people who are fearless
And brave in the face of danger.
Together we laugh as the sands of time
wither away. Until nothing is left,
But fear and me.

I sit and laugh with pain at my side
Shocked the carefree people
Who are healthy but dead inside.
Together we laugh as the sands of time
wither away. Until nothing is left,
But pain and me.

I sit and I laugh an empty space at my side.
I laugh at the people who I cannot love.
I laugh at the people who I cannot hate.
Alone I laugh as the sands of time
wither away. Until nothing is left,
But me.

blind_panic @ 2006-05-24T12:19:00

2006-05-24T11:22:52Z

Translucent shadows fall
Over the side I wish to hide
Closing your eyes to me
Closing your eyes to why

blind_panic @ 2006-05-22T20:25:00

2006-05-22T19:29:14Z

Dreaming Peace

Sleep and dream of carefree days
Where talk is of beauty and not decay
And love is never lost
Nor fought for, nor pained
A world where bloodshed is looked on with shame.
Where no man is killed
for playing the same game.
Where hands are fallen,
unclenched and tame.
Where talk of war is talk of sin
And it never matters when losers win.
Then wake up and smell the roses
When one door opens the same door closes.

blind_panic @ 2006-05-22T14:24:00

2006-05-22T13:30:32Z

They'll never...

They'll never know the pleasure of pain
They'll never know how the cold heart beats
Never feel the numbness of nothingness
Nor the solitary ache between breaths
They'll never know how much of a task it has become
Just waking and staying alive
They'll never ask the same questions as you
Never look upon the world with the same eyes
They never hold on to a slight of hope
and have it tumble before their face
Never stare at themselves and wonder what's wrong
Never hum to an unwritten song
They'll never have the weight of a blade in their hand
and know that release is near
They'll never be hollow or produce a tear
knowing all that's left to feel is fear.

blind_panic @ 2006-05-22T14:19:00

2006-05-22T13:23:54Z

Own Control

I stare into the mirror
Into an empty pit of hopeless dreams
A life pulled apart seam by seam
Forgotten memories, hollow soul
A person under strict control

I watch unblinking eyes swell up
Shimmering tears like silver rays
Fall about the empty days
A talking mirror with no words to say
Wishes to make the enemy pay

I glance upon the reddened arm
Follow the stream of the crimson flow
Watch the wide, numb cut glow
Still holding the blade and longing for more
Control is mine... control is sore.

blind_panic @ 2006-05-22T14:11:00

2006-05-22T13:17:13Z

People say they care.
But they're not there when you need them most.
They're not there when you're holding that blade to your skin. Don't see as you drag out your scars. Don't whince at your pleasure release.
They see not the endless rain of tears that persistantly fall through the night, until your worn out body can't continue to fight and takes pity on you. And you try with all your might to smile for them but deep down you know they'll never see that screwed up side you hide away.
Maybe that's the problem... you don't let them see... becasue if you did then you'd know for real that you are deserted.

blind_panic @ 2006-05-20T10:34:00

2006-05-20T10:15:35Z

What? Were you searching for somewhere to lay the blame and I just happened to be there? The perfect outlet, the perfect way. "She's no stress, she's no pain, she's seventeen, what stress could there be?" But you don't know, you don't see. The unwashed, unclean side of me. The side that withers and rots and cuts. The side that drinks till numbness comes. The side that smokes to see how long it takes to finish me.

For you I put on the happy face, smile, laugh, giggle, pretend."Everything's good, everything's golden." When really it's black, when really it's fallen.

I sit and I wallow. I sit and I slice. I sit and I watch as my blood runs to ice. Turn to the shadows, away from the blame, but it follows me there, like a moth to the flame. Tortured my mind, locked my soul. Emptied my passion, didn't catch my fall.

blind_panic @ 2006-05-20T09:58:00

2006-05-20T09:04:09Z

Words flow from an unopened book
                     from an unopened mind
Silent words,
                          harsh, unkind,
trapped, confined
              stolen from space and time
From the blood
                            spilt by you,
spilt by me
                spilt by two
into the mind, into the eye
fall from a tree
                           fall from grace
into fire,
               a sealed shut case.
Plead with peace,
                                 Plead with war
Plead for forgiveness
                      Plead for more
No way out
                                          No way in
                   Locked. Barred.
                      Frown. Pout.
No way in,
                                         No way out